The top ten rejections given by men and what they really mean:

10 - I see you as a sister (you're Ugly)
9 - There is too bigger difference between our ages (you're Ugly)
8 - I don't think about you in 'that' way (you're Ugly)
7 - My life is too complicated right now (you're Ugly)
6 - I've already got a girlfriend (you're Ugly)
5 - I don't go out with women from work (you're Ugly)
4 - It's not you, it's me (you're Ugly)
3 - I'm concentrating on my career (you're Ugly)
2 - I'm celibate (you're Ugly)
1 - Let's be friends (you're Hideous)

What's a mans idea of housework? - lifting his legs so you can vacuum underneath them

Q: What do you call bears with no ears? A: B

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he Replied.... .. "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Wife goes to the doctor with her husband who is a wee bit deaf. She goes in with him and explains that he has not been too well. The doctor examined him and said to the wife (as he was deaf).

" I will need a urine sample,a stool sample and a semen sample so I can run more tests". On the way out the husband said to his wife (loudly as he was a bit deaf) "What did the doctor say ?"

She replied "you have to leave you Y Fronts at reception".

After many years of painfully complex research, scientists have discovered the substance responsible for lowering the female libido by 95%.
Wedding Cake.

How do you get a Nun pregnant?
Fuck her!!

A man is involved in a horrible accident and when he comes to he is on a beach. Suddenly the devil appears at his side and anounces "Well, this is it. This is your eternity"
the man replies"What, you mean this is hell?"
the devil says "Yes if you head up the beach that way you will find a bar where you can get anything you want to eat or drink and if you head in the other direction ther is a permanent orgy going on"
"and thats it?" says the man
"well" says the devil " i would suggest that whatever you do do not go up to the top of the volcano
"Fair enough" says the man and proceeds to have the most fun he's ever had. However, after 500 years of this he's starting to get bored and decides one day to take a trip up the volcano just for a look. After a full days walking he finally makes it to the top. he has a look over when he is suddenly hit with the stench of human suffering and the sound of a million souls crying out in agony.

While he is still reeling from this the devil appears at his shoulder and says "I warned you not to come up here" "Oh my god"says the man"it's horrible" to which the devil replies "i know nobody should have to see this, but it's the catholics i'm afraid they insist on it".

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area-you could get anything there. The boss asked him,
"Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said,
"You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked,
"How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss.
"Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. "I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment,
"You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him,
"Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.""

After many years of painfully complex research, scientists have discovered the substance responsible for lowering the female libido by 95%.

Wedding Cake.

How do you get a Nun pregnant? Fuck her!!

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...except it had a rather large hole in the obvious place.

"This is no good Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop, their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur. 'My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.........

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself,

"It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks,

"It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks,

"It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says,"Man, oh man. Is that good!"

Then she asks,"How long has it been since you've had a drink of whisky ?"

He replies,"Ten years!" She reached over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit and she says to him."And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies,"My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

A scientist had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships are addresses as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed.

To answer that question, he set up two group of computer experts. The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computer should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

I woke early one morning,

The earth lay cool and still

When suddenly a tiny bird

Perch on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely

So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles

Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places

Of laughter and of fun,

It seemed his very trilling,

brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers

Crept slowly out of bed,

And gently lowered the window

And crushed its fucking head!

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it'll take the contagious".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me - he'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor.

He was very sorry and he gave me twenty pounds for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket." She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty pounds." "Ah, yes." says the man. "He shat in my trousers too".

Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

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