| THE 1999 COMPETITIVE SEASON |
 Exclusive
report on Pure's various competitive entries at this year's Highland Show:First up on the Friday in the blazing heat was the long-running Tongue Tickler event, which made its' first appearance at the Highland Show in 1915 when, as all the men had gone off to France for a spot of trench warfare, the predominantly female participants in the Show unilaterally decided to introduce some competitions more relavant to their farming experiences. The few weary farmers who returned after the War made little attempt to have the event removed from the Show's schedule and it has since become one of the most popular attractions, drawing entries from all over the World. Pure's animal husbandry team entered the fray nine year's ago, and through genetic modification techniques pioneered by Dr J. Sainsbury, have come to dominate the recent events. Essentially this event seeks the longest, and most supple cow tongue through a series of agility tests, culminating in the nose-pick in which a peanut is inserted deep into the cow's nostril. Few, if any, cows ever manage to retrieve it. Pure's entry, 'Daisy pleased Wimmin', pictured above displaying her talents, became the first for several years to complete all stages of the event and now holds the title of 'Best Tongue in Europe' and will go on with high hopes to the World Chamionships in Mongolia early next year. |
 However,
Pure's speciality events, the sheep racing, have been mugged by new regulations:Sheep racing teams from the UK, including the world beating Pure team, are facing up to the drastic new regulations introduced by the European Sheep Racing Association, which have banned the use of genetically modified sheep, and tobacco advertising, in events held within the European Union. The new regulations, which came into effect on 1st June 1999, have prevented the Pure team from utilising the sheep/ostrich hybrid ewes which originated from the genetic experiments of Dr J Sainsbury, who has subsequently fled Edinburgh for the unregulated climes of the Azores, where, at least, his productive experiments will continue to help the Pure team in the world events, such as the forthcoming Bombay to Shanghai sheep rally. Above is a photo of the rather morose and obviously boring entrants to this year's Highland Show 100m sprint, with Pure's new trainer Ivor Footrot debating the merits of a high amphetamine/steroid diet with Jimmy Hoofman of the Vegas team before the race. No-one knows or cares who won. The Pure Sheep Racing Team is appealing to all its' followers to write to their MP, their MSP. their MEP and Hilary Clinton to voice their disapproval with these new regulations, which threaten the end of sheep racing as we know it within the European Union. A march to Brussels is planned on August 8th. |
| Next month - the monsta-tractor racing circuit comes to Scotland. Read here the exclusive reports of one of the world's finest racing spectacles not invloving sheep. |
Disturbing news on the Pure sheep racing team. The unusually harsh winter
experienced at the tough winter training camp on Axel Heiberg Island in
northern Canada ended in disater when the shepherd and his new friend, a
large polar bear, lost them after a night on the razzle. Next year's winter
camp has been moved to the blackened landscape of Lanzarote, whilst Shep
hasn't been seen since. All is not lost however, as the team has decided
to face the unexpectedly tough challenge posed by the Togolese and Taiwanese
teams at this year's World Chamionships by disguising some likely looking
ostriches, which have a top speed of over 40mph, as sheep. A place at next
year's inaugural Olympic event would seem assured. BAA BAA BAAA! 